Saying what needs to be said, or speaking your truth, in the workplace can be difficult or even the kiss of death to your career. However, the following tips and tools can help you gain the confident and competence to effectively say what needs to be said.
Lets start by building the courage to say something about the elephant in the room. Too many workplaces have the “niceness” syndrome – where no one says what really needs to be said.
“Assertiveness is one of the most crucial tools for success,” says Gabriela Cora, MD, a psychiatrist who specializes in workplace issues. “To be able to clarify a thought, make it precise and relevant, and share it at the right moment is an art.”
This topic of speaking your truth was recently explored on The Meisha Rouser Show. Here are some tips that came out of that show:
Know your audience: By understanding your audience, you can better plan when and how to broach a sensitive subject. Would it land best in a group setting or in private? Does the person process using emotions and intuition or data and facts? Who is the right person you should be addressing?
Is it really important: Does speaking up truly help the situation? Or, could this be a case of you just wanting to be right, heard, or in control? If so, you may want to think twice before saying anything. If you don’t speak up will the situation continue to get worse? Who else would be affected if you say something?
Direct may not be best: In some situations, being direct and to the point is the most effective. However, some situations would be best handled by getting curious and asking more questions. Asking questions is a great way to broach a sensitive subject without raising defenses. For example, instead of saying, “Could we please stop pointing fingers and start talking about solutions”; a more tactful move may be saying, “Does anyone else feel we have enough information to move forward towards suggesting some solutions?”
Don’t make it personal: Many times we inadvertently sabotage our attempt to say what needs to be said by raising others defenses. When the other person feels attacked they usually stop listening to what you are saying. To reduce this risk, make sure and point out the facts or behavior versus making it about the other person. Instead of saying, “You are always late to my meetings”; you could say, “John, this is the third time you have been late to a meeting”. Another example would be to say “John, that sounded sarcastic. Did you mean it to be?” versus “John, you are so sarcastic.”
Check your tone: No matter what you say, most communication is done with tone and body language. You can say, “I’m not following you” in a tone that can express confusion, condensation, anger, or curiosity. Before saying anything, watch your own attitude, as it will come across louder than your words.
Soften your delivery: Begin by saying at least one thing the other person would be happy to hear. An example, “Your meetings are some of the most productive in our company. However, I don’t feel I need to continue to participant in this particular one. I would appreciate it if you would take me off the email invitation list.”
Be prepared: If you are really sticking your neck out, make sure you have some solid facts to support your case. Just stating, “Our employees are not happy with the new compensation plan” does not give your argument substance. Be prepared to follow-up these strong statements with facts, evidence, and proof. Keep in mind that brevity helps, so make your case in three to five sentences, if possible.
Here are some additional tips on how to communicate more assertively by some other experts.
Caroline Adams Miller, author of Creating Your Best Life, says that, “The three keys (to speaking assertively) are knowing what you want, believing you have a right to it, and finding the courage to express it.” While standing your ground can be momentarily uncomfortable, it’s so worth it – your relationships will be stronger as a result, Miller says.
Similar to developing the skill of speaking your truth is learning how to say “no”. Simon Rego, PsyD, director of the cognitive behavioral training program at Montefiore Medical Center, recommends to keep your “no” straight to the point by saying something like, “No, I’m not able to do that.” Rego recommends that if you continue to get push back, repeat, minus a word or two. “No. I’m not able to.” While this might go on for several rounds, keep standing your ground and don’t let yourself feel compelled to have to explain yourself.
“Each time, you shorten the phrase until you eventually just say no,” says Rego. “It’s extremely effective because it allows you to convey what you want without getting upset.”
Two more quick tips:
Be persistent: Don’t let your argument be brushed aside if you feel it is valid and important. Keep at it by asking when the subject can be revisited. “Can we talk about my performance again in six months?”
Keep things positive: Instead of focusing on the negative or dwelling in the past, take a more appreciative inquiry approach. Ask, “What is possible” types of questions. “If I was able to prove to you my presentation abilities, could I have the Smith account?”
With practice, you too can gain the confidence and competence to say what needs to be said while still maintaining the relationship. Be courageous and be willing to fail. Failure is a great teacher.